


Just let me go, we'll meet again soon

by Livesinbooks



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Past Character Death, Rated T for language, Unspecified Terminal Illness, inspired by the movie PS: I love you, past major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29489271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livesinbooks/pseuds/Livesinbooks
Summary: I know you’re crying right now, but if it’s any consolation, so am I while writing this letter. I should probably end it for now. But don’t worry, there’s four more. And even when you read them all, I’ll always be with you in your heart. You are my world, love.DaichiPS: I love you.An AU inspired by the movie PS: I love you
Relationships: Azumane Asahi & Sugawara Koushi, Kuroo Tetsurou & Sugawara Koushi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Just let me go, we'll meet again soon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [guardiansofthefantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/guardiansofthefantasy/gifts).



> Disclaimer: Since this is inspired by a western movie, and I didn't want to be accidentally disrespectful by getting anything wrong, the afterlife beliefs and everything related to death in this story are very western inspired whenever something is mentioned. I hope you don't mind that.
> 
> TW: mention of past death, grieving
> 
> This doesn't take place in the canon universe, Suga is 22 in this.  
> I wanted to upload this on Valentines Day but didn't finish in time, so here it is now.  
> Thank you to my wonderful beta reader Luca (guardiansofthefantasy), I love you very much.
> 
> Now enjoy.
> 
> Title from: Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men

**open one week after my death**

__

Dear Koushi,

__

I know that right now you’re hurting, and it seems like it will never go away. People probably keep telling you that it’ll get better, but for now you don’t have to listen to them.  
you’re allowed to hurt and to miss me, and you have every right to take some time to process all of this.  
However, I don’t want you to lose yourself in your grief. You were always so fun to be around, cheered me up even when it seemed impossible for me to smile. Now I want to try and return the favour.

__

I wrote you five letters, the date on the envelopes say when I want you to open them. I’m not 100% sure about how long I have left of course, but I hope it all works out. For this one, for today and for this week, I want you to breathe. To grab a tissue and blow your nose, dry your face. I want you to go into the kitchen and drink some water, then order some food. I know you got a little better at cooking over time, but you deserve some actual good food, darling!  
Hope me roasting you made you scoff with that little smile you always try to hide to show me how not amused you are by my silly antics.

__

Okay, I’ll wait while you follow those instructions, see you when you ordered the food. :D

__

So, hello back, love. You ordered pizza from that one place around the corner, didn’t you? Remember when Asahi asked why we don’t just walk the five minutes to pick it up ourselves? Ridiculous.  
Hope you got your nasty pizza with pineapple. I keep telling you, if you keep eating that, you’ll be punished for your sins - but today you deserve all the pineapple on pizza that you can eat.

__

Alright Koushi, while we wait for the food, how about you clean up your space a little? The state of the apartment always affects your mood, so I think you should go put the dishes into the dishwasher, make the bed and then make sure Patroclus and Achilles are still alive. Even succulents need water sometimes, another thing I keep telling you!

__

When you did that, the food should be almost there, so how about you watch something on the TV while you eat, and I also want you to text Asahi already. After eating you’re going on a walk with him, no arguing.  
You need fresh air and one of his hugs. We always agreed that he gives the best hugs. I wish I could hug you right now and hold you. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting, and I am so sorry that I’m the reason even though it’s not my fault.

__

I know you’re crying right now, but if it’s any consolation, so am I while writing this letter. I should probably end it for now. But don’t worry, there’s four more. And even when you read them all, I’ll always be with you in your heart. You are my world, love.

__

Daichi

__

PS: I love you.

__

_  
_

Koushi’s face is wet with tears when he opens the door for the delivery person, but they don’t say anything, just hand him the pizza, take the money and then leave with a “Have a nice day.”

Lunch in hand, Koushi walks back to the living room and stares at the paper on the table.  
He puts the pizza aside and grabs the letter again. As he looks at Daichi’s handwriting, he can almost hear his voice in the kitchen, calling over that he will bring plates.

“That’s a waste of dishes, you idiot!” Koushi calls back, smile pulling up his lips, and he turns to look at Daichi, freezing when he stares at the empty kitchen through the doorway. The paper slips from his fingers. Right.

The tears return forcefully this time, and Koushi curls up on the couch, arms wrapped around himself as he sobs freely, food and any instructions from Daichi forgotten. The ring on his hand seems to weigh him down, and he presses it to his lips, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. He thinks of the folder with wedding plans and preparations and he knows he has to throw it away eventually. Maybe he can ask Asahi to do that…  
Asahi… Right, Daichi wanted him to go for a walk with Asahi.

Koushi doesn’t want to. He wants to stay right there on the sofa and cry, but he can imagine what Daichi would say if he could see him right now.

_“Koushi, baby, I know you don’t want to move, but this won’t make you feel better. You know what might?”_

“Talking to Asahi, and getting a hug from him,” Koushi whispers and wipes his eyes. “Fine, for you I’ll call him. Because I don’t want to deal with you being stubborn and pouty.”

So, even though moving feels heavy, as if he’s submerged in water, he sits up and reaches for his phone on the table. His lockscreen wallpaper is a selfie of him and Daichi, both grinning, cheeks red and eyes squinted. Hand trembling, Koushi reaches out and brushes over Daichi’s face.  
The picture blurs as the motion leads for the keypad to pop up so he can enter the pin to unlock his phone.

The universe really is cruel, he thinks, using the fingerprint on the back instead, not physically capable of entering 3112 right now. Thankfully the wallpaper there is a different one, one of their succulents from the time Koushi put googly eyes on them, hoping it would help him remember to water them.  
A weak chuckle leaves him as he thinks of Daichi’s reaction to seeing that. He was confused at first, and when he realised why Koushi had done it he couldn’t stop laughing. And when he finally did, he grinned at Koushi and kissed his cheek.  
“Now they will watch you as you let them die.”

It was an exaggeration of course. They never died because Daichi remembered to water them.

Koushi’s hands start to tremble again, so he quickly looks for Asahi’s contact in his phone and presses call before he can talk himself out of it again. 

It’s a sign of how worried he is that Asahi picks up almost immediately, like he was waiting for him to call. It makes Koushi feel a little bad. 

“Suga! How are you? Do you need anything? I can come over! Are you doing okay? Did you eat something?” 

“Asahi,” Koushi interrupts him, chest warm at his friend’s concern. “I… Can you come over? I… I found letters. From...” He rubs his eyes. “They’re from Daichi.”  
“Give me five minutes.”  
“You live fifteen minutes away by foot and don’t have a car.”  
“Five minutes.” 

Asahi hangs up, and Koushi stares at his phone.

“We have the best friends, don’t we, Daichi?”

Asahi arrives six minutes later, and Koushi stares at him. His face is bright red, hair sticking to his forehead, ponytail a mess, and he’s gasping as he steps past Koushi and toes off his shoes. 

“Told you,” he wheezes. “Told you I’d make it.” 

Snapping out of his shock, Koushi closes the door, and then turns to look at Asahi again. His eyes are burning, and when he sees that Asahi’s eyes are red too, he remembers that he’s not the only one to lose someone with his fiance. Asahi lost one of his best friends. 

Koushi moves forward and wraps his arms around Asahi, holding him tightly. Asahi hugs him back almost instantly, and they stand there, in the hallway, the only sounds being an argument from an apartment downstairs, and the occasional honk outside.

“I miss him,” Koushi chokes out. “I miss him so much, I keep catching myself, looking at the door, expecting him to come home. Or I think I hear him in the kitchen or our bedroom and I walk in to talk to him and… And he’s not there.” 

Asahi rubs a hand up and down his back. Koushi can hear his sniffles, and he knows that his friend understands.

They stay like this for a while, simply finding comfort in each other’s presence. And when they manage to pull themselves together, they still don’t fully detach as Koushi grabs Asahi’s sleeve and leads him into the living room.

Once on the couch, he scrubs his eyes with the backs of his hands and then reaches out, grabbing the paper that fell to the ground earlier. He smoothes it a little and bites his lip before handing it over to Asahi. 

While his friend quietly reads, Koushi leans forward again and pulls the pizza box closer, opening it. He stares at the pineapple and grins a little, no tears left to gather in his eyes as he imagines Daichi’s mock disgusted face.

Once Koushi ordered a cheese pizza with no pineapple, and Daichi put a hand on his chest and said that he’s finally healed. With an absolutely straight face, Koushi walked to the kitchen cabinet, grabbed the canned pineapple he had opened earlier already, and put the whole can of round slices onto his pizza.

He can still remember the absolute horror on Daichi’s face as he watched the events unfold right beside him, and he looked a little green when Koushi took his first bite. Koushi couldn’t hold back his laughter anymore at that point and laughed so hard his stomach hurt and he had tears streaming down his face. 

Asahi’s hand on his shoulder pulls him from the memories, and he turns to look at him. The other’s eyes are glistening again with unshed tears. 

“He’s still looking out for you, even now.”  
“I know.”

They look at each other, and then Asahi smiles. 

“Well, let’s not disappoint him.” 

Later, when he’s lying in bed that night, Koushi feels cold and lonely. In his hands is the letter, crumpled from how tightly he’s clutching it.  
He and Asahi walked to the park and watched birds, then they got ice cream and wandered around town. It was nice. Koushi managed to turn off his thoughts for just one afternoon. 

Now they’re back, and he finally wants to sleep so he can be blissfully unaware of reality for a few hours.  
But the bed is so big and cold, and it’s too quiet without Daichi breathing and snoring next to him. It’s been like this since the day… Since Daichi passed away a little over a week ago. Koushi lay in bed for hours, crying or just staring into the darkness, wishing for himself to wake up from this nightmare to Daichi, smiling at him and telling him everything is alright because he’s here. 

Eventually exhaustion took over of course, and he fell asleep, dreaming of Daichi.  
But the worst part is waking up. In the state between asleep and awake everything feels so soft and unreal, and Koushi will roll over, ready to give Daichi a good morning kiss, only to almost roll out of bed because there’s nobody stopping him. 

So, needless to say, he doesn’t feel like sleeping despite the escape it provides, because sleeping means waking up and remembering his miserable life by having it punch him in the face with the first rays of sunshine.

It’s past midnight, two hours of lying stiffly in bed, staring at the ceiling, when Koushi gives up.  
He rolls over and grabs his phone, unlocking it with his finger and without activating the screen first so he doesn’t have to look at the wallpaper.  
Navigating to his contacts, he scrolls down, pausing at Daichi’s name. He saved him as _Kawaiichi Suwumura (*¯ ³¯*)♡_ some time last year as a joke because Daichi had complained about people on the internet overusing uwu and kawaii.  
His thumb hovers over it for a second before pressing the call button.

The phone is shut off, in the box with some of Daichi’s things. Koushi didn’t manage to sort through anything yet, so it contains only the things Daichi had with him in the hospital.  
The call jumps straight to voicemail.

_“Hi! You’ve reached the voicemail of Daichi Sawamura. I’m currently unavailable, please call back later!”  
“Daichi! The movie is starting!” Koushi’s own voice sounds distant.  
Daichi laughs softly.  
“You interrupted my voicemail recording.”  
“Leave it, it doesn’t matter, you always answer your phone anyways.”  
“I can’t just-“_ It cuts off and beeps, indicating that he can leave his message. Instead, he hangs up.

Koushi is crying again, clutching the phone like his life depends on it. He just wants Daichi back, what did he ever do to deserve this?

He’s sobbing until there’s no tears left, and then he lies there again, motionless, calling Daichi’s number over and over, just to hear his voice.

**open June 13 :)**

__

Dear Koushi,

__

Happy birthday, baby!  
I hope you don’t have to read this letter. Now don’t get me wrong, if you got my scheduled email and found the letters, I need you to read them on the noted dates.  
I just hope I’ll have to rewrite a few of these because I hope I’ll make it to your birthday.

__

If you’re wondering when I wrote them, you’re currently asleep in bed next to me, and you look so beautiful. I wish I could just watch you forever. You’re always so at ease at night, it’s like looking at a painting. If I could paint, I’d only paint you.

__

I’m getting off track. You’re reading this letter, obviously, so I didn’t make it. I’m so sorry. I can’t remember a time when we didn’t spend our birthdays together, so I need you to be strong this year, okay? You can get through this, and you’re not alone. 

__

I want you to spend the day with our friends. I prepared it all, so just text Asahi if you’re good to go and he will tell you where to meet them.  
I won’t force you to go. If you can’t do it, I understand, we all understand, but I hope you try. You deserve a nice day, baby.

__

If you decide to go, I want you to try and enjoy yourself. And towards the end of the evening, I need you to talk to Kuroo. He has my last gift for you. I really hope you’ll like it.  
Please also check on him for me, okay? He doesn’t like to show when he’s hurting, but I know he will be. He’s stubborn, so don’t let him brush you off. Please?

__

I’m watching you from wherever I am now, Koushi, you’re not alone. I’m with you in your heart.

__

Daichi

__

PS: I love you.

__

_  
_

Koushi wants to rip the letter apart. How is he supposed to enjoy his birthday like this? It’s only been a little over a month. He can’t possibly have fun with their friends right now. The first letter helped a little. He made sure to eat every day, drink enough water, water the succulents, go outside for some fresh air with Asahi every other day.

Of course, he spent the rest of the time in bed or on the couch, but he feels like he deserves that, just lying around, trying to process everything. He made it a habit to call Daichi’s number every night in bed a few times, listen to him and then cry himself to sleep. It’s probably not very healthy, but he doesn’t care right now. 

The letter does say that if he can’t do it, he can stay home. But Daichi wants him to go. Their friends could probably also use the distraction, they lost someone with Daichi too after all. 

So, forcing himself to move off the couch, Koushi drags his body into the bedroom and opens the closet. He spent the past weeks in sweatpants and Daichi’s hoodies, so he should probably take a shower before changing. Maybe he’d even put on some makeup. His puffy red eyes probably need it.

Picking an outfit is hard because he wants to wear Daichi’s clothes again. But those are too big for him, and might make today harder. So instead he grabs one of his own shirts and some jeans and then hops into the shower. It’s already two in the afternoon because he didn’t manage to drag himself out of bed earlier and then stared at the letter for a while before reading it. Asahi probably thinks Koushi won’t be joining them today, so Koushi tries to hurry while washing his hair.

It’s surprisingly nice to be clean again. He should probably be ashamed for neglecting his hygiene like this the past month, but life is hard right now, so even just brushing his teeth once a day feels like an accomplishment. Daichi wouldn’t want him to feel bad about doing the best he can, even if his best is below the bare minimum since that day in May.

After the shower and drying his hair, he brushes his teeth, gets dressed and puts on some light makeup.  
Usually he would now walk to the living room where Daichi would be waiting for him and lean down so he can inspect his face, then walk around the room so he could judge his outfit. Daichi would make a serious face, pretending to think very hard, then he’d break into a wide smile and get up.  
He’d call him beautiful and give him a kiss which would lead to making out, and then they’d have to fix their hair again and hurry because they’d be late.

Koushi grips the sink so tightly his knuckles turn white and stares at himself in the mirror. 

“Daichi wants you to celebrate your birthday,” he tells his reflection which still looks miserable and sad despite his best efforts to hide it under some blush and highlighter.  
“So you’re going to grab your phone now and text Asahi. Then you’ll go meet him wherever he tells you to go, and you’ll do your best to smile. Because Daichi is watching you, and seeing you like this is definitely breaking his heart.” 

Koushi runs his hands through his hair, then he takes a deep breath. He can do this, for Daichi.

The party is in Kuroo’s garden. Koushi is surprised by how nicely it’s decorated even though he can’t look at it for very long because someone barrels into him.

“I missed you. Asahi told me you’re fine, and Ennoshita insisted I give you space, but I wanted to call you so often-“  
Koushi hugs Tanaka back just as tightly and interrupts him, voice only a little shaky.  
“I’m sorry. I just...”  
He trails off, but Tanaka just squeezes him tighter.  
“I understand. Come on, Ennoshita, Noya and I made cake. Well, mostly Ennoshita, but you know.”  
He steps back and grins sheepishly at Koushi. 

There’s the underlying tension of everyone as more people approach him to congratulate him, like they expect him to break down any second, and it’s getting kind of annoying.  
So, after Ennoshita hands him a plate with a slice of cake, and Asahi makes him sit next to him on one of the lawn chairs, he clears his throat loudly. All eyes snap to him.

Bokuto’s hair looks all droopy and depressed. Kiyoko and Yachi wear the facial expressions of someone who’s about to tell their kid that their favourite teddy bear has died in the washing machine.  
Noya is frowning and hasn’t smiled or cracked a joke since Koushi showed up. 

“I’m not made of glass. And if you want me to have a fun birthday, well, you already failed.”  
Maybe it’s cruel. It probably is. But Koushi can’t bear this tension any longer.  
“So either stop looking at me like I’ll start crying any second and behave like your normal selves, or I’m leaving.” 

Kuroo is the first to react by snorting loudly and slapping Bokuto on the back. 

“I told you, Bo, what did I tell you all before he showed up?”  
“That he’d hate-“  
“Us treating him with kid gloves,” Kuroo interrupts Bokuto and finishes for him. “Exactly. So Let’s put on some music and make this a birthday party instead of a second funeral.” 

Asahi gasps and reaches for Koushi. And Koushi almost expects himself to flinch at that. But he doesn’t. Somehow Kuroo’s tactless comment… Is making him laugh.  
He presses a hand to his mouth to stifle it, and Asahi jumps up, probably thinking he’s going to start sobbing.

“Kuroo! Look what you did!”  
“Suga?” Noya says carefully and takes a step closer. 

He can’t hold it in anymore. A snort leaves him, and then another one, and then the giggles follow. Koushi let’s his hand fall, deeming it impossible to stop, and he laughs freely, as the others stare at him like he lost his mind. Maybe he has. Who knows. 

But he feels lighter than he has the past weeks.

Daichi was right. He’s not alone. He has friends, friends who are grieving too but still came here for him. Friends who treat him carefully to avoid hurting him, and friends who are blunt and insensitive and somehow morbidly funny in a way. 

Kuroo looks really smug, and Koushi gets up, punching his shoulder. 

“You’re such an asshole. Now play my song.”  
“Your song?”  
“My song.”

Bubblegum Bitch by Marina & the Diamonds is blasting in the garden while Koushi eats his cake, complimenting Ennoshita on the taste and chuckling about Noya and Tanaka being offended by being blatantly excluded in the taste.

After cake they play some karaoke in the living room, then they have a fight with water bombs, and afterwards sit on the lawn in the sun to dry again. 

In the silence, Koushi thinks of Daichi again, and sharp pain steals his breath away for a moment. Then Kiyoko is there next to him, taking his hand and holding it tightly. He’s not alone.

Kuroo has to remind him of the gift. He does so after the first people have left. There’s only Asahi, Akaashi and Bokuto left. The latter two are getting ready right now too when Kuroo grabs Koushi’s arm.  
“I still have something for you. From Daichi.”

It feels like being hit in the face with another water bomb that’s filled with ice cold water to hear his name aloud today. So far everyone avoided mentioning him after Koushi told them to have fun. But he remembers the letter and the gift Daichi talked about, so he nods and gets up.

The sun has set a while ago and the garden is bathed in the soft light of the fairy lights that are strung around the fence and on the wall of the house. In comparison the harsh lights inside almost hurt his eyes as he follows Kuroo towards his bedroom.

“When is Daishou coming back from his business trip?” he asks because he missed his snarky comments today.  
“In three days,” Kuroo responds, voice a little tense. He’s probably also thinking about Daichi now…  
In the bedroom, he opens the closet and pulls something out from underneath some hoodies. It’s a plainly wrapped box, yellow wrapping paper. It makes Koushi tear up already. Yellow is his favourite colour.

Kuroo’s hands are shaking a little as he turns around to him, and he clears his throat a few times before meeting his eyes and speaking up.  
“He gave this to me in April.”

April. When he started feeling really bad.

“I’ll leave you to-“  
“Stay,” Koushi chokes out. He clears his throat and thinks of Daichi asking him to look out for Kuroo too. “Please,” he adds. “I don’t want to be alone with...” 

With the last thing Daichi will ever give him, apart from the letters.  
Kuroo looks uncomfortable for a moment, then he nods and hands the gift to Koushi. 

He hesitates before moving to the bed and sitting down, placing the box in his lap. Kuroo sits next to him, close enough so their thighs are touching, and Koushi really appreciates the silent support. 

After taking a deep breath, he carefully tears off the wrapping paper, revealing the sparkly silver box underneath. With a weak smile, he picks up the card that’s taped to the lid and opens it. 

__

Happy birthday Koushi!  
I always thought these things are a little cheesy and kind of creepy, but I thought it might help. And since you’re already killing our succulents and can’t take care of an actual animal which might make you feel less lonely… Well, his name is Pineapple and I want you to give him a hug from me, a tight one, okay?

__

I love you so much, baby. 

__

Daichi

__

_  
_

Koushi can feel Kuroo reading over his shoulder, but he doesn’t mind and waits a few more moments so he can finish.

Then he puts the card on the bed beside him and opens the box, peering inside. It’s a teddy bear, the size of a small adult cat. With trembling hands, Koushi lifts it out of the box, and stares at him. 

“Pineapple is such a stupid name,” he whispers, tears gathering in his eyes. Kuroo presses his thigh some more against his.  
Koushi lifts the stuffed animal to his chest and squeezes it tightly like Daichi said to do. 

“Pineapple on pizza is gross,” Daichi’s voice says.

Koushi is frozen for a second, then he lets out a noise that’s between a laugh and a sob, and then he buries his face in the bear, properly sobbing now.  
A hand moves to his back after a moment and rubs calming circles on his shirt. 

His sobbing turns into hyperventilating, and then he’s trying to get a grip on himself. Kuroo is probably really uncomfortable right now with Koushi breaking down beside him. Why did Daichi have to do this? Why does he have to be so stupidly perfect even after not being here anymore?  
It’s not fair.

“It’s not fair,” he gasps aloud. “It’s not fucking fair!”  
“Life isn’t fair,” Kuroo mumbles, and Koushi hates it.

His pain changes into anger, and he throws the bear against the closet. 

“Pineapple on pizza is gross,” Daichi’s voice helpfully says, and Koushi screams, tearing at his hair.

“Why did he leave me? If he’d just gone to the doctor more often, they could have noticed sooner that something is wrong!” 

Kuroo’s hand on his back has stilled, and Koushi gets up, spinning around to face him.

“You can’t blame him for this,” Kuroo says, matter of fact. Koushi knows that, fuck! But now he can turn his anger to someone who’s actually still here to receive it. He shouldn’t. But he does it anyway.

“You!”  
“What about me?” he asks calmly. It makes Koushi even angrier.  
“Why do you act like you don’t care? Your best friend died! He’s dead, Kuroo! He’s never coming back! Never! He will never be here, never laugh with you again! Doesn’t that bother you even a little?”  
“Of course it does.” There’s an edge to his voice now, but it’s not enough.  
“Then act like it! Because right now it looks like you don’t care one bit. Like he didn’t even matter to you.”

Koushi knows he’s being unfair, mean, an ass, but while he’s angry and yelling and hurting someone else, for a moment he himself isn’t hurting, and it’s a relief.  
Kuroo’s face looks angry now too, but Koushi won’t let him get a word in. He needs this. 

“You’re being a shit friend to him. I don’t think you even cried at the funeral. If he could see you right now, he’d hate you.” 

The room is eerily quiet, the anger gone from Kuroo’s face. There’s not even hurt, there’s… acceptance. 

“You… You think so too,” Koushi realises, and it’s like the wind blew his anger right out the window. Kuroo thinks his friend would hate him for not grieving enough. For not showing his pain. 

Koushi tears up again, remembering Daichi’s words in today’s letter, and before he can stop himself he’s moving forward, leaning down in front of Kuroo who’s still sitting on the bed, and then he’s hugging him tightly.

“He wouldn’t, and you know it. He knows you. He knows you’re in pain. He wrote me letters you know? In the one today he told me to look out for you because you don’t like showing when you’re hurting. And I… I just hurt you even more. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Kuroo’s hands move and he’s holding him back, lightly so. His body is shaking slightly, but he’s making no sound. There are no tears, but Koushi just holds him even tighter, whispering more apologies.

“I miss him.” 

It’s quiet, and Koushi almost doesn’t hear it, but he does. 

“Me too,” he whispers back. “So much.”

Koushi stays at Kuroo’s that night and they sit in the garden for most of the time, not even talking, just enjoying each other’s company. Occasionally Koushi squeezes Pineapple in his arms and they chuckle a bit at Daichi’s voice judging Koushi’s taste in pizza.

When the silence gets too much eventually, they move to the couch and start a movie.

In the morning they’re both tired and drink a large cup of coffee each, but Koushi feels like a tiny part of him has started healing.

**open August 1!**

__

Dear Koushi, 

__

Hello love, I hope you did well the last month and a half without hearing from me. Did you like Pineapple? I wanted to do something cheesier first, like a love confession or something, but I felt like that would hold you back from moving on, so i decided to tease you instead.  
Did you give Kuroo a hug? I hope he’s doing okay. Asahi too. I hope all our friends are doing okay.

__

How are you doing? I know it’ll probably be harder again this month, our wedding day was supposed next week after all. Please talk to someone if you can’t do it on your own. I want only the best for you.

__

And because I want the best for you, I want you to start packing. I thought about sending Kuroo with you, but Daishou has this long business trip in June already, so I don’t think he’ll want to leave home for three weeks two months later. So instead I asked Asahi, and he agreed. And because Tanaka bugged me, I let him join too. He’ll probably brag to Noya about it, but that’s okay.

__

I wish I could go with you. We had everything planned out after all, the hotel looks so nice on the website, and the beach would’ve been perfect for some beach volleyball - unless it’s as crowded as it looks in the pictures, but we would have found a nice empty spot.  
Nevertheless, I hope you’ll manage to enjoy it without me too. I added Tanaka to the booked room and flight, and already paid for everything for him, don’t worry. We had money left from the cancelled wedding after all. 

__

Ignore the tear stains, I’m so sorry. It’s hard to write this knowing I’ll be dead by the time you read it. I already miss you so much, even though I don’t know if it’s possible to miss someone after death. You’re my world, Koushi.

__

I don’t want to make you sad so I’ll end this letter now. Please try to enjoy our honeymoon even though it’s now just another vacation. Meet some people, make some new friends. It’ll be easy for you, you’re so charming. Maybe set Tanaka up with a pretty lady, he’d like that. 

__

Now go get packing, the plane leaves in one week. Tell Kuroo to water Patroclus and Achilles, we don’t want them to die. And don’t forget to bring Pineapple! It’ll almost be like I’m there with you.

__

Daichi

__

PS: I love you.

__

_  
_

Koushi almost didn’t go. Asahi and Tanaka already gave up on trying to convince him, but Kuroo was the one who finally made him start packing.

“Do it for Daichi. Remember, he’s watching us. He paid for everything, so get drunk every day if you have to, but just go there. Don’t chicken out now.”

So here they are, on the beach near their hotel on Sardinia, Italy. Staring at how crowded it is. 

“Yeah, nope, we can’t even play volleyball there without hitting anyone. I’m asking around for other beaches,” Tanaka decides, pushing his sunglasses up on his head. Koushi sighs. 

“You don’t speak Italian.”  
“I speak some English,” he fires back and then wanders off, leaving Koushi and Asahi behind. Asahi scratches his neck. 

“Unlucky, huh?”  
“It’s not surprising. It’s the middle of summer and it’s a famous beach. Daichi probably would have looked for secluded beaches further away if...” 

If they had gone here for their honeymoon. Asahi puts a hand on his shoulder, and Koushi smiles weakly. It’s getting a little easier to talk about Daichi, but the pain still hasn’t gone away. He wonders if it ever will.

“I found our people!” Tanaka yells a moment later, waving them over to where he’s standing with a short man with orange hair and three taller ones with black hair, one of them seems to have part of it shaved, at least that’s what Koushi guesses, the sun is making it kind of hard to see. 

He shares a look with Asahi before shrugging and approaching them. Tanaka introduces them, sounding excited. 

“These are Hinata, Kageyama, Kunimi and Kindaichi. They’re from Japan too and here on holidays! They know the perfect beach for us to play together.”

Koushi notices the volleyball the man with the orange hair, Hinata, is holding under his arm. 

“Okay,” he decides. Daichi wanted him to make new friends after all. “Let’s go.” 

Hinata and Kageyama are insane. Well, insanely good at playing together. The teams are split into Koushi, Asahi and Tanaka, versus Hinata, Kageyama and Kindaichi. Kunimi is on the sidelines as ref, but he’s swapping in when someone needs a break, like Asahi after about ten minutes. 

“Do they play together a lot?” Koushi asks Kunimi, nodding at Hinata and Kageyama who are arguing about something right now.  
“They were in a volleyball club together in school, they’ve been playing together for years, and their quick attack is crazy.”  
“It is,” Tanaka agrees. “Can we do something like that, Suga?”  
Koushi laughs. They’ve only been playing volleyball occasionally since they graduated from high school, so he’s really not that good anymore. Not that he was ever as good a setter as Kageyama.

“We can try. If you’re fast enough.” He smirks at Tanaka, who nods with an excited grin, and for now, Koushi’s head is blissfully empty of thoughts about Daichi.

There’s sand everywhere. Koushi is sure there’s half a beach in his underwear, his ears, some even in his mouth after he face-planted trying to get the last ball there.  
But luckily everyone seems to need a break, so they race for the water, and Koushi dives down as soon as it’s deep enough, trying to get the sand out of… everywhere.  
When he resurfaces, he sees Tanaka clinging to Asahi’s back, trying to get on his shoulders while Hinata is doing the same to Kageyama who looks pretty annoyed.  
“Hey Tanaka, why don’t you just put Hinata on your shoulders?” Koushi calls over, grinning. “I bet you can’t make him stand up straight on them.”

Asahi gives him a look that conveys deep disappointment at enabling them, but Koushi just grins as Hinata swims over to Tanaka with a determined face.  
“I can definitely stand on him!”

“Maybe not straight,” Kindaichi comments, and Koushi snorts, swimming closer to him, Kunimi and Kageyama.

“So, how long are you staying?”  
“Another week, what about you?” Kunimi is watching Tanaka help Hinata up to his shoulders as Asahi nervously hovers around nearby, so he sounds a bit distracted, but Koushi doesn’t mind that. He also keeps glancing over to them.  
“We only just arrived yesterday, we’re staying for three weeks.”

Hinata, having heard that, stops in his attempt to stand up on Tanaka’s shoulders, holding on to his ears.  
“Oh no, can’t we stay longer too?”  
“No,” Kageyama says, frowning.  
“But Bakageyama!”  
“Shut up.”

Before they can argue more, Asahi smiles and speaks up.  
“Why don’t we exchange numbers? Maybe we can play volleyball together in Japan some time.”

Satisfied, Hinata focuses on the task at hand again.

“Three weeks is pretty long for holidays in such a place,” Kindaichi says, but he doesn’t sound like he’s judging them, just curious. Koushi looks away, swallowing past the lump that’s forming in his throat.  
“It’s… not a normal trip.”  
Kunimi turns his attention away from Hinata and Tanaka to Koushi.  
“Oh?” he prompts.

Koushi looks towards Asahi, silently asking for help, but he’s busy rushing forward to grab Hinata’s hand and help him stay upright.

“It’s… um.” Koushi clears his throat, and then a second time, rubbing his eyes. The saltwater is making them burn. “Eh… Well…”  
“You don’t have to tell us,” Kageyama interrupts, deep frown on his face.  
“No, it’s… just hard to say.” Koushi runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.  
“This was supposed to be my honeymoon, but… my fiance, he–” He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and focuses on the sound of Hinata’s laughter behind them.  
“He passed away in early May.”

The other three look dismayed at that information, and Kindaichi is the first to speak again.  
“That’s rough, I’m sorry.”  
“Deepest Condolences,” Kunimi adds, and Kageyama nods, offering his too.  
Koushi hates it. Of course it’s not their fault, but now he’s thinking about Daichi again, and he doesn’t want to be here in the water any longer.

“Excuse me,” he chokes out, then he’s swimming towards shore as fast as he can, and rushes to where they put their towels and the volleyball. He stops there, hands on his knees, as sobs rip free from deep in his chest. All he can think about is how Daichi would have loved to play volleyball here.  
They would have had Kunimi on their team and played against Kindaichi, Kageyama and Hinata.  
Daichi would have been thrilled to see the two latter do their special move, and he would have told them so. He would have lifted Koushi onto his shoulders in the water and convinced one of the others to do the same in pairs of two so they could wrestle.  
He would have laughed so much.

Koushi falls to his knees and buries his fingers in the sand. He misses him so much he can barely breathe.

Then there’s a hand on his back, cold from the water, and he flinches.  
“Suga,” Asahi says gently, and Koushi wants to look at him, but he can’t.  
“I miss him,” he manages to say between the crying. Asahi sits next to him, gently grabs his arms and pulls him closer until Koushi is lying with his head on his thighs, and Asahi can run his fingers through his wet hair soothingly.

They stay like that until Koushi manages to calm himself again. Guilt hits him when he does.  
“I ruined everyone’s fun day,” he mumbles, and Asahi pets his cheek.  
“No, you didn’t. It’s okay to be sad. The others left to give you some space, but we’ll meet them for dinner today. They’ll show us their favourite place to eat.”  
“There’s dinner in the hotel.”  
“Yes, but Hinata insisted. He’s really excited.”

Koushi sighs deeply and sits up. The sun has dried his skin, hair and shorts by now, and Asahi looks at his shoulders with a concerned face.  
“You have a sunburn I think.”  
“It’s fine. I’ll wear a shirt at the beach tomorrow.”

That evening they eat pizza with the four others, and when Hinata first sees Koushi, he barrels into him, squeezing him in a tight hug.  
“Kageyama told me,” he says. “If you ever need a hug, I’m here for you!”  
Koushi blinks the moisture in his eyes away quickly and pats the hair of this young man he only met today but who is already so sweet to him.  
“Thank you, Hinata. That’s really kind of you.”  
“We also decided not to kiss in front of you, so don’t worry! Nothing will remind you of couples.”

Koushi looks between Hinata and Kageyama who’s blushing a bit at those words. Huh, he didn’t see that coming. Then again, it kind of makes sense. There’s visible chemistry between them. So, he pushes Hinata away gently but firmly.

“No, please don’t do that just for me. I’m happy that you have each other. You need to enjoy your time.”  
Hinata studies him for a moment and then finally seems to be satisfied with Koushi’s expression, and he sits back down next to Kageyama, kissing him on the cheek. That only makes Kageyama turn even redder, and Koushi can’t help but chuckle along with Kunimi and Tanaka while Kindaichi looks embarrassed of his friends.

Over the course of the evening, Asahi and Tanaka keep glancing over him with worried expressions, until Koushi flips them off, half a slice of pizza in his mouth, with pineapple on it of course.  
Tanaka grins and sticks his tongue out at him, Asahi just smiles softly and focuses on his own food.

Koushi isn’t fine, not by a long shot. But for now he’s ready to enjoy their vacation.

**open November 1st!**

__

Dear Koushi,

__

How was Italy? I hope you had fun, met some new people and got a tan. You’d look even hotter with a tan. ;)  
But seriously, I hope you had fun, baby ♡  
Now for this month - and it’s okay if you need the whole month - I want you to finally do what you tried not to think about since I died. But we both know that you won’t be able to fully heal until you do this.

__

I need you to sort through my things. You can’t keep everything, and I’d really like for you to give my clothes away to people who need them. You can of course keep some stuff, like the green hoodie you always steal. There’s also so much stuff in my bedside drawer. I tried to clean it a bit already, but… To be completely honest, I couldn’t really do it. Sorting out my own life before inevitably leaving? It’s scary. I’m sorry you have to do it in my stead.  
Please ask Asahi and Tanaka to help, Ennoshita too.

__

I know this will be hard, that’s why I told you to read this on November 1st. You can take your time, and you’ll still be done in time to decorate for Christmas. I know how much you love cheesy Christmas decor, so I hope you won’t miss out on it this year because of everything.  
Fuck. I’m crying again thinking about not being with you for Christmas and New Year’s. I hate to think about you being sad without me, so please, Koushi. Please smile. Don’t think about what we could’ve been, think about what we were. We were so perfect together, weren’t we? I’m the happiest man on earth being engaged to you. I would have been the happiest man for the rest of our married lives, but now I’ll just be it until my time is over.

__

I know you hate my optimism right now at the time I’m writing this, the way I’m trying to enjoy every minute and every hour we have left together. But I hope now, reading this, you know why I did it. I didn’t want our last months together to taint our relationship and all our beautiful memories.

__

Once again I’m getting off track, but I keep finding myself not wanting to end the letters. I want to keep talking to you forever, and never let you go. But everything has to end. We have to let go eventually. I know you can’t just yet, but getting rid of most of my things will make that last step easier, trust me. Now go call our friends and ask them when they can help. You’re so strong, you can do this. I know you can.

__

Daichi

__

PS: I love you.

__

_  
_

Since they came back home from Italy, Koushi has been going to university classes again. He has a lot to catch up on, but it’s a nice distraction, something he can focus his mind on.

Koushi has been doing… okay, he’d say. He’s only listening to Daichi’s voicemail every other night, and he’s not crying as much anymore. But Daichi is right. He’s been dreading having to sort through his things.

Still, Koushi knows he has to do it. And it’d be nice to do it in November and then also decorate the place already. Sighing deeply, Koushi gets up to make himself some breakfast. Tomorrow. He’ll text the others tomorrow.

Two weeks later, Saturday morning, Kuroo, Ennoshita and Asahi are at his apartment. Koushi kept finding excuses to delay it until he couldn’t anymore.  
Tanaka couldn’t make it today.

“So, did you make a plan where to start?” Ennoshita asks, and Koushi looks around a little helplessly.  
“No,” he finally admits. “I guess… We can start with the things he had with him in the hospital.”

Kuroo follows him towards the end of the hallway while Ennoshita and Asahi move to the living room.  
In the broom closet next to the bathroom door is the box. Koushi stares at it, arms feeling too heavy to move. With a scoff, Kuroo pushes past him and grabs it.  
“Come on, otherwise this will take all day.”  
“It might,” Koushi mumbles but follows him to the other two.

They sit on the rug in the living room and Kuroo empties the box between them.  
“Whatever you want to keep goes on the table,” Ennoshita decides. “The stuff you’re unsure about on the couch, and the stuff that can be given away or thrown away in the box.”  
“We should probably already sort if it’s trash or can be given away,” Kuroo objects.  
“Fine, so trash on the floor, given away in the box.”

Koushi just nods along, letting them plan. Asahi is holding his hand, squeezing tightly in silent support.

Then it’s time. Kuroo reaches out and grabs the book Daichi took to the hospital with him, _The Great Gatsby_ by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“So, Suga, which is it?” Ennoshita asks, and Koushi stares at the cover and the worn spine where Kuroo is holding it.  
“Daichi read that in highschool to practice his English,” he chokes out. “He loved that book.”  
“Do you want to keep it?” Asahi asks gently, and Koushi shrugs because he really doesn’t know.  
“Alright, it’ll take forever like this,” Kuroo complains. “Will you ever read it?”  
Koushi shakes his head. At least not in the near future. Maybe once he’s really over Daichi, but right now it would just hurt.  
“Then we’re giving it to a library.” It lands in the box with a dull thud that reverberates in Koushi’s heart. He wants to reach out and grab it, keep it, his fingers twitch.

“Wait,” he manages. “Wait, I… I think I’ll keep it. He wrote in it.”  
It almost surprises him when Kuroo just shrugs and grabs the book again, tossing it onto the low table instead because he expected more arguing. But Ennoshita already moves on to the shoes Daichi wore the day he went to the hospital for the last time.  
They’re old and not really nice anymore, and Koushi had been nagging Daichi to get new ones for months before-  
Now they look like the most beautiful shoes one could own.

“Throw them away,” Kuroo says, and Asahi turns to him.  
“That’s Suga’s decision.” His voice is surprisingly sharp, but Koushi shakes his head.  
“He’s right,” he forces himself to say. “Throw them… away.”

They continue like this through the clothes Daichi wore that day, and the ones Koushi brought him in a bag later that day so he’d have something other than hospital clothes to wear.  
When they reach the plastic bag with the necklace Koushi gave Daichi for their first year anniversary two years ago, Kuroo puts it on the table without asking, and Koushi really appreciates it. He’s sure he couldn’t speak while looking at it. Then there’s the phone.

“You should delete all data and give it away,” Ennoshita says.  
“But get all photos from it first,” Asahi adds.  
“No.”

They all look at Koushi, who’s almost embarrassed at the attention.

“Why? Do you want to use it?” Kuroo asks, frowning.  
“I… No. I…” Koushi avoids eye contact. “I call him sometimes… For the voicemail.”

Kuroo huffs and Asahi says something that sounds like “Oh Suga…”, then Kuroo moves, and Koushi’s eyes snap up.

“What are you doing?” he snaps as he watches Kuroo put the phone in his pocket.  
“I’ll download all the photos for you, and then I’ll delete all data.”  
“I said no.” Koushi’s voice is desperate. “I’m keeping it.”

It’s Asahi of all people who strokes his arm with the hand that’s not holding Koushi’s, and says: “That’s not healthy, Suga. You need to let go.”  
Koushi’s eyes are burning.  
“I can’t.”  
“Yes, you can.” Asahi is looking at him with sad eyes, and Koushi is just tired of it all. He’s tired of people pitying him and worrying about him. He’s tired of hurting, of crying, of missing Daichi.  
“What even am I without him?” he whispers.  
“You’re my best friend.” It sounds so simple, and like it should be enough, but it isn’t.  
“But we only became friends because of Daichi. I think I only know anyone because of him. Without him I’m nothing. I’m… I'm nothing. He was my entire world.”

The tears are flowing now, and Koushi gets up, pulling his hand free from Asahi’s grip. Ennoshita has pity in his eyes too. Asahi is still looking sad. And Koushi can’t fucking stand it.

Ignoring Asahi calling his name, he rushes to the front door, ignoring his shoes, and just runs out of the apartment and downstairs in his socks. He needs air.

On the sidewalk by the building he stops and sits on the pavement, watching a car drive by. He’s still crying, but it’s not the violent sobbing he burst into so often the past months. It’s quiet, heavy tears that make it hard to see or breathe or live.

Someone sits next to him, arms touching. The quiet tells him that it’s Kuroo. They sit until Koushi’s tears dry and his heart feels a bit lighter and his lungs work properly again. But there’s also an emptiness in his chest, a Daichi-shaped hole.

Koushi wipes his face with his sleeves, then tilts his head back to look at the sky.  
“Came here to tell me I’m stupid?” His voice is light.  
“Partly.”  
His lips twitch.  
“Go ahead then.”  
“You are stupid. But not for still grieving. You’re stupid for thinking you’re nothing without Daichi. Yes, maybe you know us because of him, but I don’t like you because you dated my best friend.”  
The past tense stings.  
“Yes, I like that you made him happy, but I like you because you look like a sweet angel, but deep down you’re a chaotic and really funny guy. Remember when Noya and Tanaka talked about climbing out the window of their apartment to get to the balcony of the empty one next to theirs and use it?”  
Koushi chuckles lightly.  
“I do.”  
“And Daichi tried to talk them out of it, and looked at you for help, and you…?”  
“I told them to pick the lock of the door instead.”

Kuroo elbows him, and Koushi looks at him and his grin.  
“Daichi was so disappointed when he told me, but I couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes because I didn’t expect you to be like that.”

They sit in silence again for a bit, and Koushi crosses his legs so at least one of his sock-covered feet is off the cold pavement. He should have grabbed shoes.

“What I’m trying to say is, you don’t need someone to give your life meaning. That’s just stupid. Daishou makes me a better person because he challenges me, and because we compliment each other’s personalities. At least that’s what Daichi always said. But we’re not dependent on each other. And you and Daichi weren’t either, so why would you be now?”  
Koushi doesn’t have an answer for that.  
“I just feel so empty…”  
“Then you need to find something to fill it with. Something just for yourself.” Kuroo crosses his arms. “What’s something you always wanted to do but Daichi said not to?”  
“Well, I wanted to go bungee jumping but Daichi said he’s too scared to go with me or even watch me jump, so I never went.”

Kuroo claps his hands.  
“We’re doing it.”  
One eyebrow raised, Koushi studies him.  
“We?”  
“We. But only if you don’t need hours to sort through Daichi’s stuff.”  
Koushi snorts and gets up, offering a hand to Kuroo.  
“Fine. If we finish in time for lunch, we’re going jumping next weekend.”  
“Someone’s eager.”  
“I need to feel alive.”  
Grinning, Kuroo takes his hand and lets Koushi help him up.  
“Let’s do it.”

The wind is rushing through Koushi’s hair and his eyes are tearing up, his stomach is twisting and he’s worried about throwing up. But there’s a big grin on his face, and he’s letting out a scream that’s a mix of excited and terrified, and faintly over the wind he can hear Kuroo’s laughter.

Koushi feels alive again.

**open December 1st**

__

Dear Koushi,

__

Is the apartment decorated? Did you put the tiny santa hats on Patroclus and Achilles?  
I hope you’ll enjoy December. This letter is actually about December 31st. You probably guessed that. I just wanted to give you a head’s up for this.

__

So… my birthday is coming up, and the end of the year. I just know you did so well on your own because you’re so strong and wonderful. But I still hope you let our friends help.  
For my birthday I want you to help someone else and let them help you. I want you to spend New Year’s with my family. My siblings probably really miss me, especially Taki, you know how close we were.  
You saw them last at my funeral I guess, and probably didn’t really talk to them because you were all grieving. You’re still grieving, but I think it’s time to talk to them. Let my mum show you embarrassing pictures of me. Tell them the story of how I jumped out of bed at four on a Sunday because I thought I was late to one of my classes. Or the time I tried to make cupcakes for you because you were so stressed about exams and then we started making out in the living room and they all burned to a crisp - actually, don’t tell them that story. :D

__

I think it will be good for you to spend some time with them. I asked my parents, don’t worry, they agreed that it’ll be nice to have you there. Still, text Taki when you’ll be coming over so they’re prepared. His number should still be saved in your phone from the time I called him from it.

__

Please give them all a hug from me. Tell them I love them, and that I’m so thankful for everything they’ve done for me. Please also tell our friends the same. I can’t write more letters because I’ll start crying for real if I do, and it’ll be loud, and then you’ll wake up, and also my head is hurting. I need to sleep, so this will be my last letter.

__

So, I just want you to know that I’m so proud of you. You kept going even when it felt impossible to do so. You did what I asked you to do - how do I know, you ask? Well, I know you.  
Visiting my family for my birthday is not the last thing I want you to do though. There’s one last step. And I think even if you’re not ready right now, you will be at midnight when the new year starts.

__

I want you to let me go. To quote Of Monsters and Men: Just let me go, we’ll meet again soon.

__

Hopefully not too soon, but I will be waiting. I’ll wait for however long it takes, and then I’ll welcome you with open arms. So until then, I need you to live your life. To be happy. To fall in love again. Maybe even get married, adopt children, become a grandfather. I want you to live the life you want, the life you deserve. I’ll always be with you in your heart, and I need you to know that you never have to feel guilty for being happy without me or finding happiness with someone else.

__

My time is over. For me you were my life, but for you I was just one chapter in the whole book. You have so much left to do and experience, and I want you to do it without feeling bad. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve the world.

__

Never forget that.

__

Daichi

__

PS: I love you.

__

_  
_

Koushi presses the letter to his chest as he cries. He wants to pick up the phone and call Daichi’s number, but Kuroo took care of the phone, so there’s no voicemail waiting anymore. And Kuroo also made him delete Daichi’s number from his own phone, so it’s pointless.

There’s nothing to do but read the letter over and over, and then the others too, trying to cling to the remains of Daichi.  
He’s gone. He’s really gone, and there’s nothing Koushi can do to get him back.

He arrives at Daichi’s old family home on the morning of the 31st. The house is quiet, and it’s unnerving. Usually it was always buzzing with noise and movement.

When he rings the doorbell, he hears footsteps and then Taki opens it. He has the same hair colour as Daichi, but he let it grow out since Koushi last saw him in May. His eyes are red and his face is blotchy and puffy.  
Koushi steps forward and embraces him carefully, light enough so Taki can pull away if he wants to. He doesn’t. Instead, Taki hugs him back, and Koushi swallows past the lump in his throat.

“He wrote me letters. He asked me to tell you that he loves you very much. He’s worried about you.”

Taki sniffles and pulls back, rubbing his eyes.  
“I’m okay,” he lies, and in this moment he looks so much younger than twenty.

In the house, Daichi’s mother greets him next, hugging him tightly before asking him if he wants to eat or drink anything, offering anything she can think off until he can convince her that he really isn’t hungry or thirsty right now.

Daichi’s father is sleeping, he’s tired from work, and the twins are in the garden. Since they have each other, Koushi decides to check on the middle child of the family next, Ritsu. Daichi and his family were really close, so they regularly visited them, and Koushi was always the most fond of Ritsu who’s fifteen already. He remembers when he was a little ten year old, but by now the twins are ten already. Time really passes.

Koushi walks up the stairs and knocks on Ritsu’s room, waiting. When nobody answers, he knocks again, and then slowly opens the door, looking inside.

Ritsu is lying on the floor by the bed, staring at the ceiling. His eyes seem empty.  
“Can I join you?” Koushi asks softly, and when Ritsu moves his chin a little, he interprets that as a yes and closes the door behind himself, moving to lie down beside him.

For a long time, neither of them says anything. The only sounds are from the twins coming back inside downstairs.  
Ritsu is the one to break the silence.

“Do you miss him?”  
“Every day,” Koushi replies immediately.  
“Does it hurt?”  
This time Koushi thinks about it. He decides to answer honestly.  
“At first it hurt every second, I felt like I could barely breathe most of the time. But… it gets better. I still have moments when I think of him, his smile, what he would say in certain situations-” He stops himself and wipes his eyes. “I’m sorry. Yes. It does hurt. But not as much anymore.”  
“I should have told him more often that I love him,” Ritsu whispers. “I was jealous of Taki for being so close to him, but now… It’s awful. I’m glad I wasn’t. Because it hurts less.”

The boy is shaking, and Koushi bites his lip and sits up.

“Come here,” he says gently and Ritsu also moves out of the lying position and right into Koushi’s arms.  
“This makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?” It’s barely above a whisper.  
“No, it doesn’t. You’re already hurting, and you can see how much Taki is affected. Of course you’re glad. I’m glad too. I would hate for you to hurt as much as Taki and I.”  
“Will he be okay?”  
“He will, I promise. But he needs you now, okay? You need to be there for him, and he will be there for you. Especially today.”  
“Okay… I’ll do my best.”  
“I’m sure that will be enough.”

Ritsu sniffles.  
“Do you think Daichi knows how much I loved him?”  
“Definitely. And he wanted me to tell you that he loves you very much as well. And he’s still with us all in our hearts.”

The rest of the day is rather quiet. Koushi talks to the twins, Rei and Rumi, too and gives each girl a hug, telling them Daichi’s message. Daichi’s parents as well.

In the evening, he’s sitting on the bed in Daichi’s old room, staring at the wall. It feels weird to be in here without Daichi… Everything _feels_ like him…

A knock on the door interrupts his thoughts.  
“Come in,” he calls, and Taki joins him on the bed.  
“Are you sure you can sleep in here later?” Taki asks after a moment, voice hollow.  
“Yes. It hurts, and I miss him, but it also makes me feel closer to him. I almost like it.”  
“Suga, I… I want to ask you a favour.”  
“Anything.”  
Koushi looks at him earnestly.  
“Is there anything that belongs to Daichi that I can have? Here are just his old things, things that didn’t really matter to him anymore. I just… need a piece of him that I can look at and hold, and… let go when I’m ready.”

Understanding floods Koushi, and he nods.  
“I have something, right here.”  
He moves his hands which are trembling slightly to his neck and takes off the necklace that belonged to Daichi. He started wearing it after they sorted out Daichi’s things.  
“I gave this to him on one of our anniversaries. I think he’d like for you to have it.”  
“Are you su-”  
“Yes I am. Do you want to wear it?”

Taki nods, eyes wide, so Koushi helps him put it on and then watches as Taki grabs the Daisy pendant.  
“The flowers he brought on our first date. I’m cheesy like that.”  
“Pretty cheesy,” Taki agrees, voice trembling.

They sit for a long time in silence, until Daichi’s mother calls them downstairs because the year is ending in a few minutes.

At midnight, Koushi is standing by the window and looks at the stars, pressing his engagement ring to his lips. His chest feels surprisingly light even though there are tears gathering in his eyes.  
“Wait for me,” he whispers. “One day I’ll see you again, and I’ll tell you all about my life.”

Then he takes off the ring and slips it into his pocket. He’s ready to listen to Daichi.  
He’s ready to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, feedback is appreciated!
> 
> a thread of comments from my beta reader while reading: https://twitter.com/xLivesInBooks/status/1361651379010437120?s=20


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